Disconnected.

15 Nov

Disconnected period. A period at the end of a sentence signifies a completed thought or action. Completed as in past tense; as in it has already happened. Disconnected. Staring at the cursor blink as I try to let my fingers and the thought in my head connect in an organized matter that fully describes how I feel. Disconnected. The way I feel now. I am so stressed out that the pressure builds up in my eyes and I begin to cry. Not because I am sad or angry, No, but because I am… afraid. I am drained. I am burnt out. I am extremely anxious. These are the feelings of an overworked, hopeful of the future, day planner who is in her first semester of her senior year. Yes, senior year. It stresses me out in ways that I cannot even explain. Just the thought of finding a job after college leaves my palms sweaty and my heart racing. Disconnected from the reality that I have 173 days left until May 5, 2012. The day that I will have a degree… not a diploma but a degree. That very thought freaks me out. Yes, it seems like a long time, but, if you look at the fact that I have been in college for 3 years already, it seems like a short amount of time. (Pause) Disconnected. The stresses I have to complete an assignment, study for a test, work to support my habits of liking nice things, resident assistant rounds and then supporting a somewhat decent social life, my life is non-stop. I enjoy being busy. I like the rush of waiting until the last minute to complete an assignment. I like staying up all night to write a paper that I have had for a month. I like drinking incredible amounts of coffee to stay up to listen to my professor lecture. This is what I live for. Procrastination has the best of me. I am actually procrastinating now. I have a rough draft due tomorrow. Have I started? No. Will I be up all night? Yes. The story of my life. Disconnected. My Residence Life advisor said she worried about me. She said that I didn’t seem like myself. Disconnected. My mind is elsewhere. This is a pivotal moment in my life. I will soon be a college graduate, working to pay Sallie Mae. Disconnected. I am constantly asked the question “What are you doing after college?” I really want to tell them, “I am going to do great things.” It’s not a lie. I will. I have this undeniable agenda to be great. It at times consumes me. I have to be great. I just have to be. Disconnected. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. Disconnected.

 

3013 St. Mary’s Road

18 Sep

This is an assignment from my Interactive and Social Media course. We were instructed to write a descriptive passage, that involves all of your senses. I wrote about weekends at my grandparents house.

Breakfast. Some say it is the meal of champions, I beg to differ. It is the meal of family, my family. Mornings waking up to the pleasant, warm and inviting smell of bacon. The aroma filled the house. Lying in bed, suddenly awakening to the beam of sunlight across the curtain. Blinded by the light, my eyes quickly adjust. Wiping my eyes and my matted hair, I carry myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. You could hear the fan roaring in the background to eliminate the southern delicacy’s odors from attaching to your clothes. I could hear my grandma singing a tune from church “Jesus loves me, this I know…” with an occasional sucking of her teeth. Exiting the bathroom to find the treasure, I maneuvered from my room to the living room to the kitchen. The floor was cold; it was September. The large walnut tree from outside, was seen as I made my way. With each walk, the floor creaked as I followed the smell of bacon to the kitchen, passing the well set table with homemade peach preserves, biscuits, and orange juice. Green vinyl placemats and green handled forks and knives where neatly arranged on the table, picture perfect. “Well, good morning, Taylor,” my grandma said with a smile. I’m cooking your bacon now.” My grandma knew what I liked and didn’t like. She knew that I was a picky eater that had a short list of foods that I actually enjoyed bacon, was at the top of the list. The sound from the fan was louder, it rumbled and tumbled. The time was 9:27. “Taylor”, my grandmother said, “Go wake up your grandfather.” I nodded as I walked past the table only to run into the tall, darker skinned man with the curled mustache, my papa. He looked down and gave me a smile. I gave him a hug. He leaned in for a kiss on the forehead. In unison, my papa and I, sat at the table filled with food, gawking at it with our hungry stomachs. Grandma quietly entered the room; you could still hear the bacon sizzling on the plate. She placed it in the center of the table. We both took terms passing and taking food from the warm ceramic plates. When our palates where full, we held hands and recited the grace. All heads bowed, all eyes closed, our lips parted mouthing the same words. Concluding with “Amen” our mouths watered as we ate merrily together. During meals, there is much conversation; the slurps from the glass of orange juice, scrapes of the fork across the plate, wiping of mouths and hands and the occasional “oooweeee” if a biscuit was too hot. Breakfast. Some say it is the meal of champions, I beg to differ. It is the meal of family, my family.

 

 

 

 

26 Aug

Things I like …

www.taylormadecustomfit.tumblr.com

…but the greatest of these is love…

26 Aug

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 

 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Reflection

20 Aug

The summer does not have to end when school starts. Mine will probably begin when school starts. My summer has been filled with summer school, an internship and a job. Needless to say, I have been pretty busy this summer. I took a course in Persuasion, interned at News 14 Carolina and worked at a restaurant as a hostess. I took a week off for work, to enjoy some “Taylor Time” the week after that, Resident Assistant training starts and the week after that, school starts. WOW. Time flies. It seems like my semester in Spain was a “vacation” and as soon as I returned to the States, the “work” started. Im not complaining though. After a whole semester of fun in Spain I needed to get back into the swing of things.

 On August 29, I will be starting my SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE…. MY SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE (just in case you did not catch it the first time). This is unbelievable! I remember high school like yesterday. I remember high school graduation… and now my college graduation is this year. WOW. Looking back on the past four  years. I have grown so much as a woman, had many life chaning experiences, built many relationships and matured into the wonderful person you see today 😉 For this year, I have compiled a list of goals that I WILL accomplish for the year. This list will grow, im sure of it. In my goals, I used “I will.” This is my way of declaring what is already mine. This is me speaking my goals into existence so they will actually become accomplishments.

Goals for Senior Year

  1. I will build a closer relationship with God
  2. I will make a 4.0 GPA for the year.
  3. I will have a 3.8 overall GPA
  4. I will save $3,000 for a graduation “something” to myself
  5. After graduation, I will be doing something great!
  6. I will stay focused.
  7. I will not overwhelm myself.
  8. I will not “burn out”
  9. I will have a balance of “fun” and “work”
  10. I will have the best freekin senior year everrrrr!

I have a heavy load this year. Nineteen hours, Editor-in-chief of “The Peace Times,” two jobs, a resident assistant for a first year dorm, a member of the leadership team for “The Chocolate Affair” (a diversity club) and writer for “The U-Magazine.” WOOT WOOT!

I am excited for this year, but at the same time I’m a bit afraid. This is my last year of college, after graduation I will be considered an adult. There is so much expected of me. There is also a lot of weight on my sholders. My family is pushing me to go to graduate school after Peace, then get my doctorate. I feel that there is something wrong with that. After graduating college, I want to “play.” I want to do something random, fun and exciting. I want to do something completely out of my comfort zone. I want to join the Peace Corps or Americorps. I want to teach English abroad. I want to travel the world. I am not ready for a 9 to 5 job. I am not ready to take on the burden of paying back my loans. I am not ready to be an adult. I will eventually work. Just right now, at this place in time in my life, I want to explore the world. After a semester in Spain, it opened my eyes to the world. It confirmed that there is much more to living than what you experience in the States. It confirmed that there is more to life… and I want to experience it. I want to awe at something. I want to give back to my community, my global society, my world. I want to play now so I can work later. I don’t want to be the person that says “I wish I would have done ___ when I had the chance.”

Seize the day – Carpe Diem

REALationships

25 Jul

I don’t normally talk about relationships in my blog. While this is a very important topic, especially for a college-aged, single, female attending a women’s college. I just have better things to talk about than some boy.

I am writing this post in hopes to release some of the thoughts in my head. They have been bottled up for quite sometime. (I was seeking the right time to release them, so now, after a breakup, I feel it its more fitting.) I am an advocate for getting things out. Be it through talking to a friend or to yourself, an art form like dance or ceramics or something productive. Instead of compressing your feelings because it only makes it worse… IT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE. Get it out, if you have to cry, cry.

So this is me, getting out those feelings…

I honestly believe that if men knew the role of a boyfriend/husband and how important the responsibilities are to a woman, they would honestly do better.

So many women go through life looking for love… the love of a father. The care giver, protector and strong-hold of a family. Sadly, many women don’t grow up with a father in their life. The mother plays the role of both parents. We are creatures of habit, we learn by example.

In a single-parent household, a woman sees her mother dating other men. She sees her mother and father’s relationship,  how they don’t get a long, argue, fuss and fight. She sees her mother’s look  when her father comes to visit. She does not have a constant male figure in her life where she can model a relationship after. Yes, she has uncles and a grandfather, but it’s not the same.  

In a household with both parents, a woman can fashion her relationship after her father and mother. They may argue, fuss and fight, but at the end of the day, all is well. She will be able to see the kind of man her father is. The way he takes care of her and her mother. How he stays strong through tough situations. When you are looking for a companion, you would look for someone like your father.  

 So many women that grew up in a single family home, including myself, have the “Disney Complex”. We dont have a fater to model our perfect guy as, so we use characters in Disney movies to fashion the perfect gentleman. We are a princess looking for our prince. The one who goes through death-defying feats to save us.  The one who fights of dragons to show his strength. The one who is a gentleman and chilverious. The one who will sweep you off of your feet. The one who will put their coat down over a puddle so you wont damage your shoes. The one who you would ride away in the sunset on a valiant steed.

Is this realistic?

With my luck, I would gladly answer NO!

But, that has not kept me looking.

I know that I should be treated like a princess and no less. So what, if I mimic my perfect guy over a combination of Disney characters from movies like Aladdin, Cinderella, Snow White and Beauty and the Beast. At least  if I meet this “Disney inspried-gentleman”, I wont have to look any further and my order will signed, sealed and delivered!

Many women look for a boyfriend/husband to give them the love that their father never showed. To be the figure that their father never was. Some times this longing for affection and love turns us upside down. Is it right?  Should we as women, find a boyfriend to show us the love that our fathers never did? Is it wrong that we look for a father in a boyfriend? NO. But it seems like it happens without us even realizing it. Its like the We put ourselves in tough situations where we put ourselves in danger, block out people in our circle or we settle when it comes to relationships. He may not everything we want, but he has enough checks that we would allow ourselves to date them. Is that wrong? No. But will it last? probably not. I’m pretty sure you can think back on a time where you were dating someone who was 75% of what you wanted. The other 25% that he did not offer, was the breaking point in your relationship. Am I correct? (insert your “yes” here)

I have made my mistakes as well, not saying that I havent. I have dated guys that I thought was my knight in shining armor only to realize that the 25% made a huge difference. I have had my share of heart breaks. It seems that all majority of my ex’s are gold members in the  “Taylor Hater Club.” Its cool. I have learned from these relationships. It’s a reminder that my prince is still out there. He will come riding along on his noble steed awaiting to take me away as we ride of into the sunset

I guess it time for me to say that I am in no way shape or from talking trash about my ex’s. This is not the point of this post. The point is…

If guys knew the role of a relationship to a girl and how important it is to us…h ow we have a hole from the lack of affection and presence from their fathers, they would do better. They would not cheat. They would be honest. They would not be bolstering. They would not be controlling. They would do everything they possibly could to treat us like the a princess.

Until the time that I find my prince, I will continue to create the ideals or images of the perfect man through Disney movies in hopes of creating…

a REALationship

Boundaries

14 Jul

Our whole lives, we are forced to live within a certain quota… a certain boundary. Growing up, we were taught to color in the lines. We were taught right between the lines. When I first began to write my alphabet, we had special paper. It resembled a road, two solid lines with a dotted line in the middle. The uppercase letters had to touch the top line while the lowercase letters had to fall between the second panel. So, what happens when you decide to color out of the lines or not write on the line given?

When we began to learn our colors, we were given coloring books where we had to “color a number” or a one of our favorite television characters. We were given a large box of Crayola crayons, the one with the color “macaroni and cheese.” If we colored outside to the lines, how did others perceive that?

When driving, we have to stay between the lines. On major highways, if you veer off of the road, there are ridges in the road to warn you that you are not between the lines. On certain areas of the road in cities and towns, we are able to pass the car in front of us. On every road, there is a posted speed limit that we must stay under (or no more than 10 miles over) If we go over the given speed limit, what happens?

The point I am trying to make is that we have so many instilled “boundaries” on our lives. Yes, some of these boundaries are for safety precautions. Others, such as coloring inside of the lines, are social “norms.” I put norms in quotations simply because if a child colors outside of the lines, some may scold the child for coloring “messy” others may let the child continue to color how he or she feels as a form of self-expression.

I am in no way, shape or from promoting reckless driving or anything of that nature. I just think it is important to realize and take note of  the boundaries that we place on ourselves.  boundaries restrict us from exceeding…. exceeding a speed limit… exceeding creativity… exceeding our full potential. We doubt ourselves. We talk down about ourselves. We judge ourselves. We have the power to do all things through Christ… yes ALL things. Never second guess what you are capable of. You may even surprise yourself. Dont restrict yourself. Dont place boundaries on yourself or others around you. Reach out and exceed expectations.